Wednesday, December 28, 2005

in progress

Sitting here dangerously creative
Makes me want to laugh
Laugh at my self indulgence
Pretence that you actually care
Care that I claim to be a feminist
That I wretch at all that's not me
The red dots, art on palms or just
Simple reminders of affection

Insecure, scared ... hysterical
I don't giggle
I don't cook
I don't cry
I just sit here

Collecting snapshots of memories
Of drunken jubilance
And misspelt scrabble games
Workshops filled with smoke and
Half formed msyteries
Unravelling ideas...
Still perched in front of an empty screen

Aiyo swami

Sometimes I am convienced I am crazy, or on speed without realizing it. How else can I explain my mood swings - from retardedly enthu to nobody loves me I love nothing syndromes. But then blogs are not supposed to provide some meditative "I am in peace" type feeling are they?
Do other ppl suffer from the dhobi ka doggy syndrome as well? I mean, I wish i was there but then I am not sure I don't want to be here and definitely not sure that I would be less whimpery there?

Why am I pretending to be this depresso kisan when I am actually absolutely happy - except for those brief moments when I find excuses to make my (and my boy friend's life!) miserable...

Just yesterday had this amazing catfish meal at Chinatown, it made me ridiculously happy but also miss shorshe baata ilish maachh , ma baba, our tiny garden in the cold january sun, the popcorn/mirchi aalu chips waala outside the gate and the endless fights I could have with my "take them for granted" friends... It feels so wierd sometimes to say "don't worry about it" " no problem" when u would rather say fuck you & "that sounds good " when u all you want to do is raise your eyebrow loaded in sarcasm and say " paagal hain kya, who wants to do that?"

This goddamn Phd takes too long .. it's one of those days .. as one famous speedy gay guy once said " i would have thrown myself out of the window, just that I lived on the first floor and didn't have enough energy to climb the stairs to the roof.."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

talking to myself as usual

This feels very pathetic but what the heck - stuck in a semi village in a frost bitten New England state, I should get used to talking to myself.

I don't know what made me pick this place over Santa Barbara (must be something to do with my leftist parents HAHAHAH Jauto Dosh Naundo Ghosh as Baba would say!) - I almost cried when I saw the campus there.. bang on the beach with those cute surfers in thir cute black suits(HYUK HYUK).. Look at me now, it's -20 celsius outside, dirty snow on the sidewalks and ok - i swore not to crib...

So what does one do to entertain oneself (sounds strange.. what do I do to have fun..?) ... apart from wishing that I had never taken the gRE? Naah it's not so bad, mostly... And then again, I hated Delhi and the pseudo Non profit job I used to do there.. and this way I get to eat eggplants and olives and avacado and tapioca :)

more later,

testing testing

Doing this the n th time. Will give up after this attempt. I never realised I am so techno unsavvy - keep forgetting my logins, blog address or my password, or just get too "busy" to waste time!
I ll be good this time

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