I smell Saffron - confessions of a religion phobic

Since this is a confession, it's only fair that I give you a lil background info before you judge me. In my 28 years, I've ventured inside only two temples, willingly: Khajuraho and the sun temple in Konark. And those who read my other blog know why! Unfortunately, my decision to "say no thanks" to all the Hanumans and Shivs of the world did not go unnoticed. I've had a distant relative in Allahabad almost force me to walk inside a filthy, steaming hot temple to "admire' a grotesque mammoth Hanuman (Monkey-God). I've used excuses like inappropriate clothes, twisted ankle, sudden tummy aches and other emrgencies to wriggle out of these distant relative situations. Close ones know about my phobia and let me be.

But do I really hate religion? That actually is too loaded a question. I'll break it down into parts to make it simpler (you'll guess soon that this post is more a chat I've been meaning to have with myself and this blog is just an excuse):

I am not atheist enough to say I don't believe in god. That's too big a statement to make and that would be a blatant lie. There have been times, when someone's been ill, or I've decided the plane/car/bus I'm traveling in is about to crash or earlier during math exam days I've been dead sure I'm going to flunk. In such emergencies I've conveniently threatened or bribed god, by whispering a really retarded prayer in Bengali. It usually goes soemthing like: Bhogobann please aamaderke safely baarhi pouchhiye dao (God pls make sure we reach home safely!) HAHAHHAHAHA I'm falling off the chair laughing even as I write this! So, yah, I am a sucker enough to resort to a nobody/somebody when in need.

Is it that I like the concept of a private god but not a public one? MMM. A quick answer would be yes. I hate the concept of loud public ranting about God.

"My god is better than yours. So my loudspeakers in my temple should be louder than your loudspeakers announcing prayer time in the mosque."

That kind of thing makes my skin crawl. You wanna beleive in god, go quietly to one corner and say whatever hell you want to say to him/her/it. Don't force me to get involved. And pls for christ's sake don't wake me up at 5 am with the dong dong of your temple bells or an allah o akbar yell.

Then ofcourse there are the almost inevitable side effects of religion. The superstitious anti-logic, sexist, classist and communal bullshit that come as a package. Women should not enter a temple when they have their periods cos they bring in dirty blood (GAWD. Does it strike you that without this dirty blood you would not be jumping around din donging the temple bells?).

And since I am at it let me rant about the typical Hindu wedding and the lovely sexist rituals that go with it:

Madurparka (Rare Honor) where a member of the bride’s family gives a rare honor to the groom by washing his feet and hands for him (WOW!!! How cute is that?)

And ofcourse the more well-known Kanyadaan, the giving away of the bride by the bride’s parents: "I give away my property to you. She is pretty much incapable of taking care of herself so she is your responsibility now."

And ofcourse, the polite little bit where the bride throws back rice behind her head. "Here Mom dad, I pay you back for everything that you've done for me till now. Bye. And good luck."

Ok ok, you can find 6000 cuter interpretations but the underlying msg is the same. (Ps before you start screeching. I don't mean ALL the rituals are so terrible. Yah, there are others signifying togetherness. love, blessings by elders etc etc. But that doesn't negate my point)

The list of 'isms' that come as side effects is endless.
Dalits can't enter this temple. If they do we will cut off their hands.
Non Hindus can't enter either.
A Parsi entered this temple so we will throw away all the prasad since it has now become impure (yup that happened at the Jagannath temple when Indira Gandhi visited. All the "polluted" by her pasi-ness prasad was thrown away).
We, the millionaires of India, will pledge to donate 10,000 bananas to monkeys (thanks to Lord hanuman), give crores for renovating the Chhatarpur mandir. But nah why feed the dying millions on the streets. They are after all mere humans not holy monkeys or holy cows.

I know it does sound like I am a Hindu-phobic rather than a more generic religion-phobic. Rest assured I wd have cribbed as much about other religions as well, just that I know most about the evils of this one.

So is the solution to give up all traditions? My "karvachauth" friends often argue back. Can not the good things about culture and tradition be preserved while giving up those that are full of isms? I don't know. Somehow that happy happy solution seems unrealistic to me. How do we define the "good" practices? Who defines them?

A very clever term coined by a JNU prof seems fitting here - "karvachuath capitalism" - this resurgance of culture especially by NRIs all over the world. Is the cuetsy pie, "we will both fast" kind of romantic karva chauth an example of the happy solution?